I found myself asking..who am I anymore?
I'm sure you will too.
And that is OKAY.
It is okay to lose who you are. Maybe you are no longer the same person you were before kids?
Maybe you are no longer feeling the ability to do what you love?
Maybe its because you no longer have a direction? Where do I go to school? Can I go to school? Where do I work? Can I work? Who is going to babysit my child? Can I afford babysitting? HOW AM I GOING TO AFFORD LIVING AND SUPPORTING MY BABY ON MY OWN?! CAN I?!
Lets get real for a minuet. Lets get transparent. I was on my own. With only the support of family and friends at my side. I was raising this baby boy on my own. Scheduling appointments for his heart condition on my own. Shopping for food on my own. Living on my own. Taking him to each appointment on my own. Trying to make an effort for the father to be part of my sons life...on my own.
This takes a toll on you emotionally especially in the beginning. When you are trying your best to keep an open mind and give the father (who left us at 8 months pregnant), a chance to make his decision to stay or not. When you never get financial support from someone who should actually WANT to support his baby too..but is not.
I gave my sons father a chance to be part of our lives, I drove hours and hours to let him see Caden wherever he lived at the time (because he frequently moved away from place to place). I went to each holiday.
But when I was there...I was holding Caden the whole time...It was just a one way street. I'm sure he liked the idea of being a father, but he consistently showed no empathy for us.
My self identity was lost.
The one person who SHOULD care and want to help raise my baby, refused to do either.
But my life was completely changed. I couldn't do whatever I wanted, whenever. I lost touch with so many friends because my life style went from running wild through the streets to making sure I'm with my sweet little boy.
I am so thankful for the friends and family I have today. For reminding me of my identity through these difficult times.
When Caden was a year and a half..I told his father he needed to choose. He needed to decide whether he would be in or out. I told him that I was not going to allow him to make times to see him and then cancel last minuet. I chose to protect my babies heart.
And he responded that he wasn't ready to be a father. That he thought it would be best to sign over his parental rights.
But I gave it my all. I gave it my best. So many people would say, RESTOOORE your family! They pushed for us to be together, to get married and to live the picture perfect Christian life.
I say no.
That makes no sense!
The Bible does not say that I should marry someone I had a baby with. It does not say that I should feel pressured to have a relationship with him to restore and become a testimony.
My testimony is that I faced my music. I embraced that I would have a child. I looked forward to it, even in the midst of being a disappointment for getting pregnant to so many people.
My testimony is that I was dumped at 8 months pregnant while he found a high-school senior to date that very same week.
I gave birth to my sweet boy.
I found out my sweet boy had four holes in his heart.
My testimony is having such love and support that my friends created a kickball tournament to raise money for the 3 months off I needed to prepare for my sons open heart surgery and having ALL COSTS COVERED through that!!
My testimony was watching my baby boy recover after.. and praying for him while I watched his oxygen levels go to zero..day two after surgery..I am so so thankful the doctors were able to stabilize him!
My testimony is that I tried to actively involve and show willingness to make coparenting possible.
My testimony is being repeatedly shown, that I was the only one willing to move forward.
Then being told that from there on forth I would move forward alone.
My testimony is having faith through it all. Raising my main man up with dignity. Working my booty off to make sure I have everything for my child that he needs. For still pursuing my dreams even in the midst of being alone with my child.
My testimony is that I am a single mom. Raising an amazing boy. And doing it through the strength of Christ and love. And the support of family and friends!
You will lose your identity a few times. Because your life is changing.
Hopefully not as painful as mine, but it will be rocky at first.
But keep your head up, keep moving forward and lean on your family and friends to keep your mind from feeling defeated.
For your mountain does not define you, but whether you choose to climb.
My little boy is almost 7 now, and I can tell you that My identity is stronger and better than I could have imagined and it is all thanks to raising Hope. Raising my Caden Hope.
Do not be discouraged with whatever it is that you are facing. For each step you take through it, you will become wiser and more knowledgeable.
We walk through the storms, because we love our babies. And when we have made it past, it will all be worth it!
Keep hope my friends!